My recent trip to Rockport Mass. has been along time in the making. It all started 7 yrs. ago with a single click of the computer. At that time I would have never guessed that click would bring me to this point in my life. My journey this week has given me insight and an awareness of much more than a scrapbooking weekend with the girls, sort a speak!
When I joined my first on-line scrapbooking community, the purpose was to just be able to talk and share creativitely with other scrapbookers. Little did I know that first click of the mouse would be taking me to far away lands and introducing me to friends that I will have for a lifetime. Little did I know that with each click I was honing a relationship with so many. Little did I know that each click was creating a meaningful interchange of concern, care and companionship beyond the measurements of my computer screen. I never had any intension for anything more to happen than that. My thoughts have always been, treat each person equal, tell the truth and work hard to stay connected if you're going to be apart of a forum. Give what you can and take little. I was there to have fun and be part of a community.
Since that first click of the mouse, my world has changed. I've found out that we are more alike than different. I've found out that we all go thru ups and downs in our lifes and that people do care if you allow your heart to speak for you when you're chatting on a forum. I've found out that a single commom denominator like scrapbooking can support, encourage, promote, mature, humble, reflect, nuture, reward, develop and give one skills to become the person they truely want to become. It isn't always easy hanging out on a forum with so many different personalities, its not always easy holding back the tears of our lifes, its not always easy listening to others, its not always easy pushing thru the fake personna's everyday to establish a place for yourself in these communities. But when you do and are able to let others into your world and let them see the true you, what a wonderous experience it can be.
I'm still not sure why I'm part of this amazing group of ladies, I'm still not sure why they've included me into their world, but I don't want to ask either, I don't want to know why they care about me the way they've shown me over the years. Talk about insecurities, talk about acceptance, I've always seen myself as an outsider looking into the world. I always wanted to fit in somewhere, but never knew how and certainly didn't think a click of a mouse would surround me with so much love and compassion. My companions this weekend have held my hand for many years, but that was on a computer, it was hard for me to accept the fact that they would accept me once they met me IRL. Really hard for me to believe that someone just wanted to be my friend. I'm crying my eyes out as I type this, my girlfriends just in the other room, but they have no idea how insecure I really am when it comes to thinking that anyone would like me, not judge me or make fun of who I am. I speak out of turn, have scattered thoughts, get a little caddy from time to time, drift off into thought and am always thinking (retrospective of my lifes moment at any given time). I can be serious at times and silly at others, but the one thought has always remained the same. I can be a friend, but why would anyone want to be my friend. I'm not intersting, I don't go anywhere, I'm a housewife who lacks excercise, drinks way too much caffeine and is honestly more of a recluse than a social butterfly. I know my friends are going to read this, I know that those of you who know me probably can't believe you're reading what I'm saying. I seem so confident so sure of myself. Well that is true, I'm confident of who I am, that is the one thing I do know, I know who I am and how I want to present myself to the world, but I don't know is how the world is going to accept me. That fear has held me back my whole life, that fear is what stops me from saying I'm good enough, I am worthy of all the gifts this life has given me, do I deserve all this?
I think my friends are more generous and giving than they know, more caring and compassionate of others than they would ever admit to. I have amazing friends on line and this letter is being written to you, know that its because of all of my on-line friends that you have helped me become a better person, a believer in friendship, a person who can trust again. Know that you bring my spirit alive, you make me think, you challenge me in ways that makes me jump for joy inside, now I hope that this is all off my chest for awhile, but I've felt a change come over me lately and it all had to be said, don't think I'm done yet, but for now I want to say thank you to all the people on line that touch that keyboard everyday to leave a kind word or thought. my world is full because of you!